SummerSlam Weekend Nausea
If you’re a pro wrestling fan, you’re consistently living in a simulation mode. It seems like every single year, things reset back to what seems like a steam punk nightmare of logical fallacies. In a world of perpetuals such as: LOLCENAWINS we are gun shy about anything that doesn’t involve evolution. All of us are almost like Kentuckian residents living outside the premises of the Creationism museum.
We have Seth Rollins and sure, he IS the WWE World Heavyweight Champion but a lame duck is what everyone can’t help but call him leading into the 2015 round of SummerSlam in Brooklyn. John Cena is the United States Champion and while that would be a great thing in any other context, he meets Rollins for a Title for Title unification bout and all of us that have lived all through and before this “Cenation” era are scowling prematurely. Rollins tapping out despite exploding Cena’s cranium a few weeks ago doesn’t indicate otherwise either but I’m still holding out on a fuck job. Please wrestling gods, let us see a fuck job.
We are all supposed to be stereo-orgasmic for the Lesnar/Undertaker super bout but it isn’t that. This main event isn’t worth much if one simply thinks backwards for a minute. Lesnar destroyed Undertaker when he broke the streak, leaving no doubt that he is the baddest man on the planet while Undertaker laid in wait for a year seemingly done with the business. When both men walked into the next year’s WrestleMania, things were solemn and strange for them. Lesnar was the WWE World Heavyweight Champion but a paper one because of his scarce appearances on television and mostly underwhelming title defenses aside from an awesome Royal Rumble three way, and his main event match with youngster Roman Reigns was cringe worthy at best in build.
Undertaker was a lost soul leading into this year’s WrestleMania and his match with Bray Wyatt felt like a rushed attempt at a legendary match that Bray hasn’t been built properly to deliver in. That was the case and the match wasn’t a classic like some expected, leaving Undertaker AND Bray lost for months. Until Battleground when all the branches of the main event story arch went viciously into self-destruct mode. Undertaker coming in and interfering with Lesnar’s title match with Rollins was a surprise but his attack felt wrong to me. Perhaps a babyface low blowing a monster that undoubtedly beat him was the biggest burn but it just all felt forced. A match that could have been massive with a logical story arch was rushed for Network numbers for a month and no long term advantages. If anyone thinks new fans are coming out of Lesnar vs Undertaker this weekend, they are sorely out of luck.
The undercard is an odd deal itself.Even if Rusev against Ziggler isn’t the greatest of stories, the match will most likely deliver. Ziggler has tons to prove but that’s almost his gimmick at this point after years of being lost in the shuffle while Rusev is a once-acclaimed rising star looking for a purpose and traction. The “Family” tag team match with Reigns and Ambrose against Wyatt and Harper will be good because it is always good but will it matter? Will there be a future? We shall see I guess, and if the rumors are true and Ambrose goes bad guy on his “brother” this thing might be big. Cesaro versus Owens might be the match of the night since both guys are hot as hell right now and not looking to slow down in the least. The Cesaro Section stuff as of late has made Cesaro seem truly superhuman and Owens is always a master at anything he does in the business.
There’s the oddities also, the things on the card that either have no direction or a lopsided one. A strange 4 way tag team title match will be filler but the rest seems promising. As much as I love this recent resurgence of the Divas division, I wonder what will come of the big 9 woman tag elimination match. Yes you read that right, there will be a triple threat, six woman elimination tag team match. While I do like the novelty idea of this, I worry it could devolve into a clusterfuck so easily considering there are some major red flag workers in the match. This will be a story of Charlotte, Paige, Becky Lynch, and Sasha Banks carrying the entire division and it’s going to be sink or swim for the division I feel like. The Intercontinental Championship has been an area of concern for WWE and fans since Daniel Bryan’s emotional vacancy back in the spring. When Ryback rose to the occasion back at Elimination Chamber, at least there was a feeling of stability. Then Ryback got sick with staph and shit hit the fan. Now for weeks and weeks there has been no mention of the title, and just sporadic updates on his condition while a flat Miz/Big Show angle seemed to be an attempt at some kind of stop-gap. Ryback is now back, he has the belt and instead of warming him up with something fresh, WWE has decided to go back to the well and book this cursed three-way! I hope Ryback doesn’t fail but I also don’t see this working out for anyone except Miz who is just glad to get TV time anymore.
Dusty Rhodes may have been the single biggest influence on the entirety of the business in the last 30 years. You can’t move around the wrestling universe an inch without seeing Dusty’s fingerprints on something whether it was ECW under Paul Heyman whom learned from Dusty’s ideals, or Ring of Honor with Gabe Sapolsky, or his final masterpiece helping Triple H with the NXT brand. Losing him has been hard for many in wrestling, but not as hard as it was to Cody Rhodes better known as Stardust. When a letter to the fans and mostly to Dusty was posted on his wife’s blog, it explained one last piece of Dusty’s genius. Stardust spoke of finishing what he started, and how one of the indelible images that he saw was the lock screen on Dusty’s phone being a face off between himself and Stephen Amell. That he had to finish the job that he began before Dusty passed, and since then the man has been at a different level. His promos feel much more coherent and passionate, his work has seemed more inspired and crisp. His work with Neville has been a treat to watch and his build against Amell in this odd tag team match including Neville and “King” Barrett has been masterful. I can’t believe I’m excited about a celebrity wrestling in a match but Stardust got me.
Oh fuck, then there’s Sheamus against Randy Orton. Again. For the 939303rd time. I swear, I’ve seen this match in my nightmares and real life for years now in various forms, few of which are inspiring to me. I heard their match at Battleground was good, I never watched it so I can’t say and while that might be true I don’t give a fuck. Sheamus is old hat, the reality is that when he was given the John Cena Lite act back in 2012 it killed him before he even had a chance. Daniel Bryan’s 18 Second job to him at WrestleMania 28 didn’t help matters either and when they finally made him the heel he always should have been earlier this year, it felt way overdue. Orton on the other hand continues to be the most under appreciated worker in wrestling in my eyes. The man is so good so often and can mask someone’s weaknesses like a doctor. The fact that he doesn’t have the same image to the public as John Cena these days is a travesty but it’s also a byproduct of his turbulent past in the company. Either way both men seem as though they’re on an island completely benign to anything else going on in the WWE saga. Since Sheamus is the Money in the Bank winner, and by default a guaranteed future WWE World Heavyweight Champion, this paragraph shows you how horribly fucked up WWE creative is.
All that and I’ve not even said a word about the NXT Takeover the night before SummerSlam. My good friend PJ said it best the other day: “Fuck it, Takeover is my SummerSlam”. I couldn’t agree more with matches that make a “smart mart” salivate like some puppy in front of a sirloin. The main event is easy money; Finn Balor defending his new NXT title in a Ladder Match against former champion Kevin Owens. This match is highly interesting for several reasons one being that this is Balor’s first big title defense since he won the title last month. He’s seen as an heir to the WWE main event throne already and that isn’t a crazy statement with his performances as of late. For Kevin Owens, this weekend will be a test of his will. If Owens can hit it out of the park in two straight nights in two massive events for WWE it will cement him as a true player in the business. I believe he’ll do so and this match will be incredible. Add to that the first ever appearance of Jushin “Thunder” Liger in a WWE ring against Tyler Breeze, a clash of the big brutes Samoa Joe vs Baron Corbin, a 4 women’s match for the NXT Women’s title that many can’t wait for, and much more you’ve got a can’t miss show on your hands. AND YOU CAN SEE IT FOR JUST A MEAL EVERY MONTH!
We have Seth Rollins and sure, he IS the WWE World Heavyweight Champion but a lame duck is what everyone can’t help but call him leading into the 2015 round of SummerSlam in Brooklyn. John Cena is the United States Champion and while that would be a great thing in any other context, he meets Rollins for a Title for Title unification bout and all of us that have lived all through and before this “Cenation” era are scowling prematurely. Rollins tapping out despite exploding Cena’s cranium a few weeks ago doesn’t indicate otherwise either but I’m still holding out on a fuck job. Please wrestling gods, let us see a fuck job.
We are all supposed to be stereo-orgasmic for the Lesnar/Undertaker super bout but it isn’t that. This main event isn’t worth much if one simply thinks backwards for a minute. Lesnar destroyed Undertaker when he broke the streak, leaving no doubt that he is the baddest man on the planet while Undertaker laid in wait for a year seemingly done with the business. When both men walked into the next year’s WrestleMania, things were solemn and strange for them. Lesnar was the WWE World Heavyweight Champion but a paper one because of his scarce appearances on television and mostly underwhelming title defenses aside from an awesome Royal Rumble three way, and his main event match with youngster Roman Reigns was cringe worthy at best in build.
Undertaker was a lost soul leading into this year’s WrestleMania and his match with Bray Wyatt felt like a rushed attempt at a legendary match that Bray hasn’t been built properly to deliver in. That was the case and the match wasn’t a classic like some expected, leaving Undertaker AND Bray lost for months. Until Battleground when all the branches of the main event story arch went viciously into self-destruct mode. Undertaker coming in and interfering with Lesnar’s title match with Rollins was a surprise but his attack felt wrong to me. Perhaps a babyface low blowing a monster that undoubtedly beat him was the biggest burn but it just all felt forced. A match that could have been massive with a logical story arch was rushed for Network numbers for a month and no long term advantages. If anyone thinks new fans are coming out of Lesnar vs Undertaker this weekend, they are sorely out of luck.
The undercard is an odd deal itself.Even if Rusev against Ziggler isn’t the greatest of stories, the match will most likely deliver. Ziggler has tons to prove but that’s almost his gimmick at this point after years of being lost in the shuffle while Rusev is a once-acclaimed rising star looking for a purpose and traction. The “Family” tag team match with Reigns and Ambrose against Wyatt and Harper will be good because it is always good but will it matter? Will there be a future? We shall see I guess, and if the rumors are true and Ambrose goes bad guy on his “brother” this thing might be big. Cesaro versus Owens might be the match of the night since both guys are hot as hell right now and not looking to slow down in the least. The Cesaro Section stuff as of late has made Cesaro seem truly superhuman and Owens is always a master at anything he does in the business.
There’s the oddities also, the things on the card that either have no direction or a lopsided one. A strange 4 way tag team title match will be filler but the rest seems promising. As much as I love this recent resurgence of the Divas division, I wonder what will come of the big 9 woman tag elimination match. Yes you read that right, there will be a triple threat, six woman elimination tag team match. While I do like the novelty idea of this, I worry it could devolve into a clusterfuck so easily considering there are some major red flag workers in the match. This will be a story of Charlotte, Paige, Becky Lynch, and Sasha Banks carrying the entire division and it’s going to be sink or swim for the division I feel like. The Intercontinental Championship has been an area of concern for WWE and fans since Daniel Bryan’s emotional vacancy back in the spring. When Ryback rose to the occasion back at Elimination Chamber, at least there was a feeling of stability. Then Ryback got sick with staph and shit hit the fan. Now for weeks and weeks there has been no mention of the title, and just sporadic updates on his condition while a flat Miz/Big Show angle seemed to be an attempt at some kind of stop-gap. Ryback is now back, he has the belt and instead of warming him up with something fresh, WWE has decided to go back to the well and book this cursed three-way! I hope Ryback doesn’t fail but I also don’t see this working out for anyone except Miz who is just glad to get TV time anymore.
Dusty Rhodes may have been the single biggest influence on the entirety of the business in the last 30 years. You can’t move around the wrestling universe an inch without seeing Dusty’s fingerprints on something whether it was ECW under Paul Heyman whom learned from Dusty’s ideals, or Ring of Honor with Gabe Sapolsky, or his final masterpiece helping Triple H with the NXT brand. Losing him has been hard for many in wrestling, but not as hard as it was to Cody Rhodes better known as Stardust. When a letter to the fans and mostly to Dusty was posted on his wife’s blog, it explained one last piece of Dusty’s genius. Stardust spoke of finishing what he started, and how one of the indelible images that he saw was the lock screen on Dusty’s phone being a face off between himself and Stephen Amell. That he had to finish the job that he began before Dusty passed, and since then the man has been at a different level. His promos feel much more coherent and passionate, his work has seemed more inspired and crisp. His work with Neville has been a treat to watch and his build against Amell in this odd tag team match including Neville and “King” Barrett has been masterful. I can’t believe I’m excited about a celebrity wrestling in a match but Stardust got me.
Oh fuck, then there’s Sheamus against Randy Orton. Again. For the 939303rd time. I swear, I’ve seen this match in my nightmares and real life for years now in various forms, few of which are inspiring to me. I heard their match at Battleground was good, I never watched it so I can’t say and while that might be true I don’t give a fuck. Sheamus is old hat, the reality is that when he was given the John Cena Lite act back in 2012 it killed him before he even had a chance. Daniel Bryan’s 18 Second job to him at WrestleMania 28 didn’t help matters either and when they finally made him the heel he always should have been earlier this year, it felt way overdue. Orton on the other hand continues to be the most under appreciated worker in wrestling in my eyes. The man is so good so often and can mask someone’s weaknesses like a doctor. The fact that he doesn’t have the same image to the public as John Cena these days is a travesty but it’s also a byproduct of his turbulent past in the company. Either way both men seem as though they’re on an island completely benign to anything else going on in the WWE saga. Since Sheamus is the Money in the Bank winner, and by default a guaranteed future WWE World Heavyweight Champion, this paragraph shows you how horribly fucked up WWE creative is.
All that and I’ve not even said a word about the NXT Takeover the night before SummerSlam. My good friend PJ said it best the other day: “Fuck it, Takeover is my SummerSlam”. I couldn’t agree more with matches that make a “smart mart” salivate like some puppy in front of a sirloin. The main event is easy money; Finn Balor defending his new NXT title in a Ladder Match against former champion Kevin Owens. This match is highly interesting for several reasons one being that this is Balor’s first big title defense since he won the title last month. He’s seen as an heir to the WWE main event throne already and that isn’t a crazy statement with his performances as of late. For Kevin Owens, this weekend will be a test of his will. If Owens can hit it out of the park in two straight nights in two massive events for WWE it will cement him as a true player in the business. I believe he’ll do so and this match will be incredible. Add to that the first ever appearance of Jushin “Thunder” Liger in a WWE ring against Tyler Breeze, a clash of the big brutes Samoa Joe vs Baron Corbin, a 4 women’s match for the NXT Women’s title that many can’t wait for, and much more you’ve got a can’t miss show on your hands. AND YOU CAN SEE IT FOR JUST A MEAL EVERY MONTH!
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